How do I create space for myself without letting down others?

Dear Sarah,

I’m overwhelmed and don’t know where to start. I have a 5-year-old daughter, a supportive (but also very busy) husband, a full-time job that’s demanding, and I’m worried about my mom getting older and taking care of her. I feel like I’m being pulled in every direction. There’s always someone who needs something from me. I don’t remember the last time I did anything just for me without feeling guilty about it. I love my family, but I’m exhausted. How do I create space for myself without letting everyone down?

Sincerely,

Stretched Too Thin in Towson

Hey there Stretched Too Thin,

I hear you, and your message resonates so deeply with me. I imagine it will resonate with a lot of women.

It can feel like you’re carrying the weight of the world and dragging along the guilt that you’re not doing enough. And when you try to carve out a little time for yourself, you feel ashamed because that’s considered “selfish.”

Let me start by saying this: name-calling or applying anything that makes you feel awful will not help you take better care of yourself. In fact, it will do the opposite. It drains you of energy.

Let go of the things that don’t serve you. And if guilt is draining you, what if you looked at guilt as optional? You can choose to pick it up or you can choose not to. Don’t buy into the lie that you should feel guilty for not doing enough. Because if you take a look at all that you’re doing and then ask, “Is it true that I’m not doing enough?” I bet we’d all agree on the answer: you’re doing plenty.

Which brings me to the next step. It’s time to make a record of how you’re spending your time. For one week, get honest about how much time you spend on your commitments and leisure activities. You need a clear and honest baseline in order to change how you relate to your commitments. Be a time detective and track your every move. Write it all down from Monday to Sunday. And don’t leave anything out. Even if you’re scrolling TikTok in the bathroom, track it all.

Next, total up the time you’re spending in various ways. Sort them into categories: husband, kids, mom, friends, work, entertainment, fitness, spirituality, hobbies, rest, self-care, etc.

One new category you’ll probably need to add is buffering time. Buffering includes any habit you use to avoid feeling a feeling or doing something else.

It’s one thing to intentionally watch an episode of The Office for the 50th time to get a laugh. But if you’re doing it compulsively or to avoid something, this is time you could reclaim for rest, relaxation, or actually taking care of yourself.

Another level of your time audit is getting honest about how much you’re doing. What are you carrying for someone else that they are fully capable of carrying for themselves? Where could you ask for help?

Carving out time for yourself is crucial because your daughter is watching and learning from you. What do you want to model as your values? Right now, you’re showing her that everyone else is more important than you. That means she’ll grow up and behave the same way. This may have been modeled to you by your mother or grandmother. But that doesn’t mean the pattern has to continue. The story created by how you spend your time is the story you’re passing on to your daughter.

If you find it hard to make changes for yourself, do it for her.

You are worthy of all the love and attention you give to others. You are worthy of giving some of that to yourself.

With love, Sarah

P.S. If this message struck a chord or brought up something you're wrestling with, I’d love to hear from you. Whether it’s a question, a sticky situation, or just something you want someone to weigh in on, email me [email protected]. I might just write back with advice, or even feature your question in a future message. You're not alone, and I’m here to help.