How to Lead Someone Who Doesn’t Respect You
Dear Sarah,
How would you navigate an employee who has been borderline to outright disrespectful—especially when you don’t have anyone to immediately fill their position and need to work with them until the end of their contract?
I also can’t help but notice that he doesn’t speak to other men the way he speaks to me as his female boss.
-Grace Under Fire
Dear Grace Under Fire,
First of all: I see you. It’s frustrating, hurtful, and frankly exhausting to lead someone who is being disrespectful, especially when you still need to rely on them to get the job done. You’re not alone in this experience, and the fact that you’re pausing to ask how to navigate it instead of reacting tells me you’re the kind of leader who values both results and integrity. That’s rare and commendable. Make sure to take a moment to recognize that in yourself.
Now let’s get real: You’re describing not just difficult behavior, but potentially gendered disrespect. If you’ve noticed that he doesn’t speak to male colleagues the same way, trust that. That’s not your imagination—it’s your intuition, and it’s worth listening to. Here’s how I’d approach it as a coach, not as an HR. I’m interested in helping you navigate this so you stay mentally and emotionally sound.
Document Everything
Start keeping notes. Dates, comments, tone, context. You don’t need to use it today, but if this escalates you’ll be glad you have this information. You can also use this to see if there are patterns that you can address.Address It Directly, Calmly, and Privately
Something like: “I’ve noticed several interactions where your tone or language toward me has come across as disrespectful. I want to name it, because a positive working relationship matters to me and I expect professionalism from both of us. Is there anything you need to continue to build our professional relationship?”
This does two things: it puts the behavior on the table without being confrontational, and it signals that you see what’s happening and won’t tolerate it even if you’re still required to work with him.
3. Lead with Power and Grace
Just because you need him to finish out a contract doesn’t mean he gets a pass on behavior. Keep your boundaries clear. Limit emotional engagement. Think of your interactions like clean transactions: brief, professional, neutral. No extra energy spent trying to manage his attitude. Save that energy for you.
4. Find Your Support Squad
Even if you don’t have a formal HR backup, find your informal one which could include mentors or trusted peers who can validate your experience and remind you that you’re not off base (because it’s easy to feel that way when you’re being subtly undermined). I find it most helpful to have a person on the outside of the situation, particularly someone who doesn’t even work at your company or in your industry. That way you can allow yourself to vent as you need to without affecting that person’s professional relationship or perspective of a colleague.
And lastly:
This isn’t just about you as a boss. This is about how women in power are perceived and treated, and it takes guts to stand firm when the world tells us to “not make a big deal.” But respect isn’t a big deal, it’s a baseline. You deserve it.
You’ve got this.
Warmly,
Sarah
P.S. Do you have a tricky situation, a stuck feeling, or a question that’s been weighing on you? I’d love to help. Write to me with the advice you need, whether it’s professional, personal, or somewhere in between, and I just might feature it in an upcoming column. You don’t have to navigate it alone.
Send your question to [email protected]
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<div class="elfsight-app-c5a5fe32-685d-40af-8786-6a1437326b78" data-elfsight-app-lazy></div>About Sarah
Sarah Curnoles is a certified life coach who helps smart, self-aware people get unstuck and move forward with clarity, confidence, and purpose. With a background in personal development, creativity, and emotional resilience, Sarah guides clients through major life transitions, tough decisions, and moments of self-doubt. Her coaching blends compassionate truth-telling with practical tools to help you stop spinning and start creating the life you actually want. Learn more about Sarah on her website www.sarahcurnoles.com or check out her podcast Breakup Pep Talks.
